The Trough of Sorrow

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One of the things I like most about writing a personal development blog is I get to write about new tips and tricks I’ve found. Part of the fun is finding nuggets of advice from the things around me from friends to movies and everything in between. Then I get to write them down, not only for myself but, to share with anyone interested in reading what I have to say. Every time I find something to write about I find several other follow up posts as well.

I’m not just taking things I’ve found, repackaging the content, and turning it into a post but I try my advice. This has led to some interesting little experiments and new things I enjoy doing. Wim Hof’s breathing practice, meditation, and journaling are a few things I enjoy doing.

The problem with personal development is it can be overwhelming. There’s always something new to do, new to try, and a new variation on an old idea. There are so many people out there trying to help it’s easy to feel overloaded. I know for me, the more I read, the more I want to implement all at once, and the more I fail. Working on two-week experiments are great, in theory, but it can be difficult to implement in real life, especially when there’s so much to try.

As anyone who’s tried making a New Year’s Resolution, the easy part is starting, but once the real work begins it’s easy overwhelmed, disappointed, and quit. Initially, we are riding high and are untouchable. Soon we hit a speed bump and we start to wobble. After experiencing this amazing high from our life changing idea, we feel the depressive low from the wobble. Few speed bumps later, and we throw in the towel because we “can’t” do it.

What happened? How did we go from “I’m on top of the world to my life sucks” and “I’ll never accomplish anything?” We’ve landed in the “Trough of Sorrow.”

“What is this fancy, nonsense term you’re using this time, Joe?” The trough of sorrow is a term coined by Y Combinator founder Paul Graham, and his partners, to explain the point in a start-up’s life cycle where the “new car smell” wears off and the real work begins. As seen in the diagram, first start-up founders get excited about how they will change the world. Then the novelty dies off and all they are left is the grind of making it work. Sometimes a start-up can spend years in the trough waiting to see if their idea will work. This is where most start-ups either persevere, pivot from their original idea, or quit completely.

The trough of sorrow is what we experience when life gets in the way of our personal development goals. We miss a day or two working on our new habit or skill and we start to spiral. Soon a day turns into a week, turns into a month, and turns into forever. We’ve failed so we must be failures, right?

This has been the issue I’ve had the last several months. I’ve started and quit several habit changes and projects in the last several months. Every time I try to start something new life gets in the way, I hit a few speed bumps, and I give up. When I hit the trough of sorrow, I tend to hit it HARD. I try to take on too much all at once and wind up sucking at everything until I give up and feel like a failure. Not the good kind where I learn from my experiences but the bad one who throws himself a pity party.

Most days, all I really want to do is hide under my desk or go full Emo, crying alone in the corner of a dark room. I feel sorry for myself because my expectations are not matching up with reality. I suck and there’s nothing I can do about it.

This is why I wanted to write this post. I want to show I still have a long way to go in my personal development journey and I’m writing these posts to help me as much as I want to help others. Somethings I need to remind myself I am doing a good job, my feelings are normal, and I’m not the only one going through this situation. Here are some things I plan on using to help get me out of the trough of sorrow:

Dealing with the Trough of Sorrow

Concentrating on our Emotions:

Many times, we feel like we are the only ones who are failing horribly. We see friends and influencers on social media showing us their perfect little lives and it’s easy to ask ourselves, “what’s wrong with me?” The thing is we all go through the trough of sorrow. Everyone has their low points.

We need to remember change is difficult. It is were easy everyone would be doing it all the time. We are going to fail time and time again. It’s okay to fail, especially if we are willing to learn from our mistakes.

Steve Kamb of Nerd Fitness has a great article on starting over or, as he calls it, respawning. In it he suggests three steps to help us get closer to success when we decided to try something again.

Separate yourself form the Old You: Every time we start over we do it as a new person. It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday. It’s in the past. We can take what we’ve learned and put it towards making today a success. Today is a new day, we are new people, and we can do it
Capitalize on Momentum: Every time we start over we are filled with excitement and passion. We need to take this time to make plans and changes we will be forced to continue when we hit the trough.
Fail Differently: Now, we might not succeed in this attempt either but that’s okay. By doing things a little differently, this time, we will fail differently. This means we will learn more, which we can use for the next time we try again. The more we try, the more we learn, and the more likely we are to achieve our goals.

Working through our Problems:

Once the initial excitement of starting something new and we get to the trough it’s easy to get frustrated. It’s helpful to take some time here for introspection. We should ask ourselves why are we failing? What are the issues we are encountering? What is triggering our regression? Looking into why we are having issues allows us to plan around them.

A lack of or poor planning is another reason many of us stumble. Initially we get excited and dove right in. We knew what we want our end result to be, but we haven’t made a plan to get there. Since there’s isn’t a plan, we bail. When planning to start our new habit, skill, or project it’s important to think of these three things:

Keep it simple: Figure out the bare minimum we can do and still be successful
Celebrate Small Wins: Build small wins into the plan and celebrate them.
Build a Team: It’s important for us to have a team to help keep us accountable. Family, friends, co-workers, hire a coach, or find someone off the street. Anyone who will help us to keep going.

We must Perseverance:

When we start something new it’s easy to feel like we can take on the world. “Ain’t nobody gonna break my stride, ain’t nobody gonna slow me down. I’ve got to keep on movin’!” Then the resistance realizes we want to change the status quo and it freaks out. The resistance pushes us head first into the trough.

The resistance doesn’t want us to grow. It doesn’t want us to change. It tries to trick us into thinking we “can’t” do it and won’t make it. It knows one of our basic instincts when things get tough is to run away. In fact, it’s counting on it.

It’s not that we don’t want to change but it’s easy to feel “it’s not the right time.” Maybe I’ll let things in my life die down and start again. The problem is life rarely slows down and something always gets in the way. As cliché as it might sound, unfortunately, perseverance is the only way to get through the trough.

The thing to remember, no matter how many times we quit, start over, or try something new it will always be difficult. The trough of sorrow isn’t a unique or special circumstance. Being extremely passionate about a project, skill, or habit change doesn’t mean we will skip out on the struggles. The struggle will always be real, and we will need to deal with it, eventually. If we want to make real, lasting change we need to persevere when times get tough.

I think the important things to remember are we are not alone, it’s okay to fail and start over, it’s important to have a plan and a support network or group, and the only way past the trough of sorrow is through it. It’s never easy and we are going to stumble many times along the way. As long as we pick ourselves up and try again we will eventually make things happen.

Chen, Andrew. “After the Techcrunch bump: Life in the ‘Trough of Sorrow’”.

Fitness Friday – The Unofficial Official Gym Rules

Image Credit: Pixabay

The gym can be a scary place, sometimes feeling more like an untamed jungle rather than a place people come together to do fitness. There’s treadmills, ellipticals, barbells, dumbbells, and machines all ready to be used once the membership fee is paid. It can be extremely intimidating for a newbie let alone a seasoned fitness enthusiast. Not only are there tons of different ways to work out but it feels like there almost as many rules, both official and unofficial. It can be a little overwhelming. Though many of the rules are posted by the gym for everyone to follow there are unofficial rules which can get you penalized by the other patrons.

For those who decide to take a moment to Google “gym rules” or “gym etiquette,” the results can be dizzying. Men’s Journal, for example, had a list of 5 rules while Nerd Fitness had 29 rules and Muscle and Strength had 50. How are we supposed to remember them all? Well, I’m here to help. The gym is scary enough without having to remember a million different Gym Rat rules. Let’s get started:

Follow the Rules at the Gym: I pulled this straight from the Nerd Fitness article on gym etiquette, I linked to above, but I think it’s an important place to start. While many gyms have similar rules, there will be differences. There may even be different rules within a particular gym chain depending on size and the type of equipment. Understanding what should or shouldn’t be done at a particular gym location is important. It doesn’t matter whether or not we feel the rules are “dumb,” to train there, the rules must be followed.

Clean Up: This might sound basic and simple but sadly some gross people attend gyms. When it comes to cleaning up first we need to ensure all the equipment we use is put away when we are finished. This includes barbell weights, dumbbells, medicine balls, kettlebells, etc. This is not our home where we can leave things all over the place. When we’re are done with the equipment, put it back. Forgetting this rule will definitely get garner some angry looks.

Second, it’s important to wipe down the equipment when we’re finished. This includes the benches, machines, and the cardio equipment. I know it can feel badass to be dripping in sweat after a tough workout, but I promise no one else wants our nastiness on them. Not only will many gyms provide towels for free for those who forget one but they usually have Lysol/disinfectant wipes around the gym for this express purpose. Gym owners generally try to keep their facilities clean but they need help to ensure germs don’t get passed around like a preschool.

Lastly, we should carry our workout shoes with us into the gym and not on your feet, especially in inclement weather. This helps ensure the nastiness outside doesn’t get dragged into the gym for everyone to share. Sure it might take an extra couple of minutes to change our shoes out but it is better for everyone in the long run.

Shut up and Train: A gym is a place for us to work out and training. Many people show up to get in, run through their routine, and get out. This isn’t a social club for them. They are here for business. What does this mean for us? It means we need to be respectful of those around us and not hinder their progress. It means get in, use a piece of equipment, and move on to our next exercise. Sure we can take a few moments in between sets, but not to pull out our phone to check the news or mess around on Facebook. And let’s keep the selfies to a minimum. Get in and get out.

This also means observe the time limit on the cardio machines, especially during prime time. Typically, there’s a 30-minute time limit which more than enough time for a decent workout. Get off when times up. You can always get back on when someone else is done or come back later. Be respectful of other gym goers who want to work out as well.

Don’t Hog Equipment: The gym is a first come, first serve kind of place. If a piece of equipment is being used we might have to wait (weight?) or work on something else. This goes for everyone. If we are using a piece of equipment they’ll need to wait for us.

This being said, there is a difference between using equipment and hogging it. Using equipment for exercises other than what they are intended for, like the squat rack for non-squat related exercises, is a big no-no. Use the equipment and move on. Equipment like the squat racks tends to be very popular with the serious members.

This also includes routines which require a variety of equipment like circuits or supersets. Trying to commandeer too many benches, dumbbells, and other gym pieces will the anger people around us, especially if the gym is crowded. If the gym happens to be slow with a handful of people, go nuts. More often than not, however, we’ll need to change up our routine.

Be Courteous to Each Other: This is one of the bigger sections but also one of the most important. What does be courteous mean exactly? It means a bunch of things. Don’t be creepy. (I’m looking at you, guys). There are people of all types in the gym and none of them want to be stared at. Focus on the workout and keep it moving. At the same time dress appropriately. Sure everyone has a different personality they want to show off at the gym but it should still be tasteful. This isn’t meant to single out men or women. I’ve seen crazy things from both genders. Shorts which were too short and shirts that aren’t covering anything. This also means clothes should be clean. We shouldn’t smell like we worked out before we make it through the gym doors.

Ensure those around us have enough space whenever possible. I know I don’t like strangers in my personal space when I’m working out and I know I’m not alone. Stay out of other people’s bubble. This goes for listening to music in the gym as well. We shouldn’t be listening to our own music without headphones and the volume set at a reasonable level. No one wants to listen to my workout mix of N’Sync, Taylor Swift, and Britney Spears, but me. Similarly, phone calls should be done away from the equipment and while on the exercise bike.

Lastly, unsolicited advice is an unfortunate part of going to the gym, and I’ve heard is even more prevalent with guys mansplaining to women. (I’m sorry ladies but men are dumb). The only reason we should give advice is if asked or if someone is about to do something dangerous. If neither things have occurred, then we don’t say anything. It’s called unsolicited for a reason. There are times a Gym Bro will feel the need to share their wisdom with us. Feel free to smile and nod then continue with what you were doing. If they start becoming harass-y report them to a gym employee. I love the line Staci, from the Nerd Fitness Team, gives: “I appreciate your input, but I’ve got to finish my workout now. I’m on a tight schedule.”

All of this advice comes down to following the Golden Rule. We may pay to use the gym but so does everyone else there. Similarly, the gym employees are there to maintain the place for us, not to be our maid. This isn’t our house. We don’t make the rules. We are a part of a micro-society of fitness goers so don’t be a jerk. This means we should treat the gym better than we would want a guest staying at our home.

Is everyone going to follow the rules? No, but this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do better. I know the gym can be a scary place but it can be a little less scary when we know what to expect. Mistakes will happen but we will learn from them and do better next time. We’ve got this. Now go out there and get some fitness.

5 Ways to Get Your Post-Holiday Motivation Back

It’s the Monday after the long Thanksgiving weekend and I’m dragging. I started working out with a friend last week and when he texted this morning to see if we were working out, I almost told him no. Then was the normal mad dash out the door followed by the post-holiday work lethargy. My energy and motivation are shot. All I want to do is close my office door, crawl under the desk, and go to sleep. I’ve even been hit by the struggle bus trying to write this article.

This feeling isn’t new is it? It’s probably not the first time we’ve wanted to hit the pause button on life for a moment because we aren’t looking forward to what’s next. So what do we do? We check our email, remember we need to text a friend something really quick, fall down a social media or YouTube rabbit hole, or find basically anything else to do instead of the tasks at hand. “If I don’t think about what I need to do, then they don’t need to get done right?”

The problem with this lack of motivation is even when we are “relaxing” we don’t feel relaxed because of the stuff looming over our head. Then we’re twice as stress out when we finally get around to doing when needs to be done.

Here are 5 things I do when I’m feeling stuck and unmotivated to get the ball rolling again:

Make a List – Lists can be overwhelming to look at but they also give us clarity about the things we need to get done. They can help us rely less on our fickle minds to remember what needs to get done. Though I don’t believe we should be used daily, when we are lacking motivation they can be extremely helpful.

Take five minutes to write down everything needing to be done both today and during the week. Then rank them in order of importance to focus on the highest value tasks first. Then check the list to see which items can be delegated, delayed, or deleted, removing them from the list. What’s left are all of the most important tasks we have to complete.

Pick a Small Win – Once we have the list of tasks, we need a small win. This means we find something quick and easy to check off the list getting the motivation ball rolling. This could be writing an email, making a phone call, or any other task which will take you 10 minutes or less. If you don’t have a quick task on your list grab one from those you delegated, delayed, or deleted.

What this does it trick you into feeling good about yourself. This feeling of, “oh thank God that’s done,” is extremely satisfying even if it’s quick and minimal. Once you get past the “oh fuck, I don’t want to do anything,” you can move onto higher value items off the list.

10/10/10 – This is something I’ve picked up from the Nerd Fitness website and I’ve used it a few times myself. (Yes, this means I’m doing push-ups and lounges in a button down shirt and slacks… because I can!) What I’ve found this does, for me, is get the blood flowing and kicks up the endorphins, getting me out of any funk I might be in at the moment.

If you aren’t able to regular push-ups, you can modify them by doing them on your knees or doing them off the desk or chair. If the lounges are an issue, you can do squats, jumping jacks, or skip them all together. While the push-ups and lounges help get more of the body’s muscles revved up, it’s all about getting the body moving. Go try it for yourself.

Remove Distractions – This can be easier said than done but you want to eliminated as many distractions as you can. Turn off your phone, close the door to your office, put on sound machine, use a website blocker, or any combination of the above to ensure you aren’t bothered. If some of these things are “too important” for you job or the task you’re working on, then obviously don’t eliminate them. The point is to remove as many distractions as humanly possible. We want to get into a flow state, while working, and any distraction will take us out of this flow. Then we are forced to fight to get back into the flow.

30 Minute Rule – I’ve found this extremely helpful when I need to work on a project. After I remove as many distractions as possible, I institute the 30-minute rule. I set a timer for 30 minutes and work as hard as I can for the entire time. Once the timer goes off, I take a 5-minute break. I can check email, mess around Facebook, play a mobile game, or anything else I want to do. After the 5 minutes are up, I set the timer again for 30 minutes, and start working again. If I happen to be in a flow state and want to continue passed the 30 minutes, I can but this process ensures I’m getting at least 30 minutes of productive work done.

Feel free to try one or try them all. The goal here is to break through the funk to get to the productivity on the other side. The longer we indulge the slump the harder it is to break free. I hope you find these as helpful as I have today. Now go kick some ass.