Tag: Making Changes

I’m Back With the #1 Way to Be Happy!

Image Credit: Pixabay

It’s been a while since I posted anything and for this I apologize. I was trying to work on some big changes, but they are taking longer than I planned. Instead of waiting any longer I decided I needed to get back on the horse and continue writing. The plan from now one is to write two posts a week, on Tuesdays and Fridays, allowing me to continue to raise the quality of each post. As time permits, I will add bonus posts here and there. Until then, I hope you enjoy.

How often do we wake up in the morning wishing we could roll back over and sleep the day way? We think about the jobs we must go to or the myriad of responsibilities we have throughout the day. We think about our massive To-Do lists and become exhausted instead of energized. I know this is how I am most mornings.

The problem is we are unhappy with our lives. We don’t like the direction it is headed. With each passing day it becomes easier and easier to feel stuck in the life we feel is going nowhere.

We want to be excited to wake up each morning, proud of the direction our lives are headed. We want to feel fulfilled and know our life has purpose. We want to be happy.

But what does it mean to feel happy? Well, according to Google, the expert on EVERYTHING, happiness is the state of feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. As my sister would say, “It’s living a life we don’t need a vacation from.”

“Thanks for the English lesson, Joe, but what is this magical key to being happy?” Okay, we go. The number one way to be happy is to change. That’s right, I said it. We need to change.

“I don’t know what’s worse, Joe? Your click bait title or your fortune cookie advice.” Hold on a second and let me explain. For those of us who are chronically unhappy, me included, it’s because we continue to do the same thing, day in and day out, expecting different results. Sure, we might try something new once or twice, but it doesn’t take us long to fall off the horse. Then we throw our hands up in the air, say “I can’t do it,” and continue with our lives. Does this make sense?

We feel stuck because we don’t want to or are unwilling to change. For many of us, fear is what’s holding us back. Fear of failing, fear of success, fear of disappointment, or plain fear of the unknown. Whatever the reason, we are holding ourselves back and no one else. How can we expect anyone else to take us seriously if we won’t take ourselves seriously?

Change isn’t easy. Change sucks. Change is something many of us resist because it’s easier to continue where we are than to move forward. Change takes willpower, time, and energy which are three things many of us have in short supply.

The most important thing about change is no one can do it for us. We must want it. We must chase after it. We must be the ones who put in the work, every day, to ensure it happens. I know it’s easier said than done but here are a few things we can do to move the ball forward.

Making a Change:

Now we know what to do but how do we go about making those changes? Here are five things we can try changing:

Make on small consistent changes/establish a new routine:

The interesting thing about change is many times big change comes from making small, consistent changes over a long period of time. When trying to lose weight, it’s much easier to make a smart, healthy breakfast each day then it is to go full Paleo. Sure, it’s better to change our diets completely to only healthy meals, but it’s difficult to maintain. There are times I fail before I even begin.

Big changes can be daunting which causes us to become overwhelmed quickly, causing us to fail, and perpetuating the cycle of feeling like a failure.

We need to start with small, consistent changes by introducing one or two new habits at a time. I know I have a problem of wanting to make all the changes at once, but this quickly becomes as overwhelming as making one big change. It can be too much to handle.

Instead, making one or two small changes at a time allows us to get accustom to this new routine seamlessly. After the new habits or changes become routine, we can feel free to add a couple more.

Meet new people:

Everyone’s favorite. Meeting new people. Why is it scary for so many people? I think it has something to do will all the unknowns. Will we have anything in common? Will they be boring? Will they be obnoxious? Will they find me obnoxious? Will I ever see them again and if the answer is no, why bother talking to them in the first place?

These are all valid concerns and there are plenty more where those came from, I’m sure. Should these concerns stop us from trying to meet new people? Of course not. Though some people we meet might suck, there will be plenty of gems too. People we will be thankful we took the time to meet.

One of my favorite stories to tell is about meeting my best friend, and now my brother-in-law. Shortly after getting to my first duty station in the Navy, another friend of mine, Alan, and I walked into his barrack’s room to see this goofy looking dude sitting on one of the twin beds. I immediately disliked this guy for no good reason. A week or two later Alan left to go back home for the weekend leaving me with nothing to do. I figured, “why not see if the new guy wants to hang out?” We hung out for the entire weekend and became fast friends.

Fast forward to today. He married my sister and we talk almost every day. We were on the ship together, we lived together, and we went to Iraq and Kuwait together. He’s also one of my longest running friendships I have in my life. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t decided to meet someone new, or at least get to know them better.

Again, I know when we try to meet new people we’ll find plenty of duds. They are uninteresting, boring, or even obnoxious and we won’t want anything to do with them. That’s okay. It will happen but for dud we meet there is an equal or greater number of fascinating people out there for us to discover.

Try new experiences:

Bucket list have become increasingly popular as we dream about everything we want to do with our lives. The thing is, when was the last time we checked anything off the list? When was the last time we were a little adventurous and did something completely out of the norm? Sky diving, surfing, rock climbing? It could be something as simple as walking around a new area town or taking a hike in the woods.

The point is, we get stuck in these ruts and routines and don’t see a way out. Can’ts and have tos take over and the things we want to make time for begin to fall by the wayside. We make excuses to explain why we are unable to do what we want. Wife, kids, job, and other responsibilities all become a priority (which are obviously important) until we slowly start to lose pieces of ourselves. Then all we are left with, in the end, is a mountain of regret.

Sometimes we need to shake things up. We need to go outside, take a trip (with or without the family), and get a little crazy. There are plenty of ways to have new experiences by walking out the front door. Take a chance and live a little. Maybe we can check something off the ever-growing bucket list too.

Learn a new skill:

Learning new skills has always been scary for me. If I try something out once or twice and I’m not good at it, I tend to give it up pretty quickly. Why? I don’t like looking or feeling stupid. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not alone. This is probably a feeling many of us share.

Why should be care about looking stupid? There are plenty of people who look stupid or suck when they first start out. It’s kind of the point. What makes those people different? They don’t over think the situation, don’t mind looking silly, and care more about the new skill more than looking dumb.

I’m sure there’s also the fear of time. When do we have time to learn this new skill? How long will it take before we become good at it? Then we start comparing ourselves to others and it’s easy to become frustrated.

Learning a new skill, however, takes less time than we might think. In his second book The First 20 Hours, author Josh Kaufman explains it only takes 20 hours of deliberate practice to learn a new skill. In his Ted Talk about the subject he says, “That’s 45 minutes a day for a month, and it allows you to skip a few days.”

With his easy formula we can learn anything we want to in a minimal amount of time. We won’t be elite experts, but we will have the skill. This means we have even less excuses than before to try something new.

With all the free or inexpensive tools, guides, and information on the internet it’s easier than ever to learn something new. How do we figure out what skill to learn? Well, if nothing jumps out at us immediately, we can start by making list of skills we’d like to learn. They might be skills to help at work, something we want to learn for a future career, or for fun. This is no wrong answer.

Me? What’s on my list? Well, I’ve decided I want to learn sleight of hand card tricks to use at my monthly poker game. It worked for Edward Norton, didn’t it?

Forgiving Ourselves:

I think this is a difficult one for many people. I know it’s difficult for me. Even if we try to go through life without regrets, it’s easy to wonder how our life would be different, if not better, if we made changes to our lives’ years ago. Unfortunately, until Dr. Brown invents the Flux Capacitor, and time travel along with it, we are stuck on our current trajectory.

According to an ancient Chinese proverb: “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.” Basically, we are not able to change the past, but we can start today to change for the future. Part of this change starts by letting go of the past. It involves forgiving ourselves for not being willing or able to make changes in our lives sooner. It’s okay we didn’t start earlier because we weren’t ready. We still had things we needed to learn.

By forgiving ourselves for our past we can move forward into the future. We are recognizing our past mistakes and learning from them. We know what we need to do and can get after it. All those times we didn’t start or tried but were unsuccessful, these were not failures but were teachable moments. Moments we needed to experience to get us here, where we are today.

We need change the way we see ourselves. So, let’s take a moment today to look in the mirror, and forgive ourselves for all the anger, bitterness, and resentment we’re holding onto in our lives. We deserve it.

 

I want to finish with this last statement. Change isn’t about achieving perfection. This post is not about how we are worthless people who need to change because there is something wrong with us. We are not deficient. We are not garbage.

We, in fact, are awesome individuals with unique paths, choices, and experiences. No two people are the same and we each have something unique to teach and share. We need to revel in our individuality and be proud of this fact.

Change is about continuing to grow and learn. The change I’m talking about involves figuring out what we truly want in life, moving passed our fears, and chasing our dreams. This could be a new career, crazy new experiences, or more time with people we love, doing the things we love. Happiness comes from figuring out who we are. Change can be a great way to get us there.

Who Do We Want To Be?

Image Credit: Pixabay

I wrote a few posts last week about New Year’s Resolutions, here, here and here. It was a good week for me. It was the first week, I put three posts out on the day I promised I would. It wasn’t easy but I forced myself to write them, and I’m grateful I did. It made me feel good and gave me an enormous amount of confidence. Unfortunately, this weekend hit and the motivational stores are running low.

It’s not surprising though. New Year’s Day was last Tuesday and it’s easy for us to ride out the “I have goals and dreams and I’m going after them,” high this time of the year gives us. Now it’s a new week and we lay there realizing we have a “Coyote Ugly” hanging on our arm. Present Us made a promise Future Us has to keep and now it’s time for Us to collect.

But a promise is a promise so we give it the old college try. We’ll begrudgingly stumble to the gym or type random works on a blank word document to find our motivation, all the while grumbling about what an asshole the Past Us was for this resolution.

So what happened to us? How did we go from ultra-motivated to the lazy beatnik who only wants to chillax on the couch? We have our goals, we even came up with a plan, but we are still coming up empty.

The problem is we haven’t changed our identity. We still see ourselves as the same slackers we were last year and don’t think our goals will help us become our own Heroes of Battle. I think James Clear in an interview with Jory MacKay from the RescueTime Blog says it best, “Who is the type of person you want to become? Who is the person that’s already achieving the results you want for yourself? For example, the type of person who loses ten pounds is probably someone who doesn’t miss workouts. That’s just part of their identity. They see themselves as someone who exercises consistently. And going to the gym is just part of their being.”

Maybe the goal is to start the business we’ve put off starting. We just became an Entrepreneur. Maybe it’s time to learn a new language. BAM, now we are linguists. We need to change the way we see ourselves to bring us closer to our end goals.

For me, I want to be a Skald, the badass warrior-poets of the Viking world, similar to the medieval bard. These were the people who fought next to great warriors and passed their stories on from generation to generation. They need to be strong to be a part of the Viking world but also used their intellect rather than spend all their time thinking about raiding. I want to be built like a brick house and write like a philosopher.

Unfortunately, if aren’t willing to focus on the person we want to become it is easy to stay in our rut. If we want to lose weight but don’t see ourselves as a lover of fitness or we want to write but don’t see ourselves as a writer, it’s easy to let our goals slip away. Basically, if we continue to see ourselves as losers this is how we will stay. It’s only when we are willing to change the way we think about ourselves, we are able to affect real change. Sometimes it happens by accident but most of the time it takes time and focused effort.

Still having trouble making the change? Take a page out of Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, proverbial book and try writing it down. Every day he writes down what he wants or who he wants to be on a piece of paper 10-15 times until it comes to fruition. Sometimes it’s quick and other times it can take years but it allows him to focus on the path he’s trying to follow. He used this technique when he wanted to be an illustrator and now he’s the creator of one of the most recognized comic strips in America.

Remember, we will never be the same person we were yesterday and tomorrow we can be whoever we want. Taking time to stay focused on who we want to become will only help bring us closer to our goal. This way, when we are presented with what use to be difficult choices, we already know the right answer. We’ve already made the choice. We can skip the extra piece of cake or the three extra episodes of the show we would normally binge. That’s not us anymore. We are the hero of our own story.

This isn’t a magic bullet. We will still need to put in the work but it will make it easier the more we practice. Good luck.

*Check out James Clear’s article “Identity-Based Habits: How to Actually Stick to your Goals This Year” for more on this topic.*