What’s a Motto, You?

MAN UP! I don’t know about you but when I hear this phrase a particular scene comes to mind. It’s of the old, grimy, mook of a high school football coach yelling at one of the kids to stop being a pussy. It makes me feel like I’m watching Varsity Blues. (Yup… I just referenced Varsity Blues).

For many people, today, the term “Man Up” is a course word. It’s a way to turn sensitive boys into a group of cold-hearted, unthinking meatheads. These Neo-Neanderthals go on to fuel the patriarchy, devaluing women, and feminine traits. They take what they want and are only concerned with winning.

I agree with this assessment. When it is used incorrectly it pushes boys to be ruthless, uncaring men who think they are better than everyone else and run around calling “lesser men” pussies or bitches. When things are going their way, it’s because that’s the way it should happen. If things aren’t going their way, they dream about the good ol’ days and want to “make things great again!” If you are anything like me, these people can be frustrating.

Even though I was never truly this kind of person, I embraced it for much of my life. Let me explain.

I was kind of a weak kid growing up, both physically and mentally. I played sports and ran around outside with my friends but most of the time I felt like a fish out of water. My natural habitat was sitting watching TV or playing video games. I was also a big nerd. I liked fantasy, science fiction, dungeons and dragons, comic books, Magic the Gathering, and most of the other nerdy things I could do growing up.

I also cried… A LOT! If things didn’t go my way or if I was scared the sadness would creep into my heart. Sometimes I cried literal tears and others it the cries of sadness and frustration.

Then I found Home Improvement with Tim Allen. If you grew up in the 90s there’s a pretty good chance you’ve watched this show. Looking back there was an interesting contradiction to this show. On the surface, Home Improvement embodied the term “Man Up,” as I wrote about above. Men were men! They built stuff and wanted MORE POWER! Men didn’t cry or get sad. That was for women. Men got angry and raged. There was a subtler aspect of the show. It was about a “Man Up” Dad, trying to raise three boys, while growing and evolving into a softer, more balanced man.

Unfortunately, the subtler aspect of the show was lost on me as a kid and I gravitated towards the “men don’t cry” lesson. For years the idea of being sad, depressed, and crying were weaknesses I needed to overcome. This was reinforced by the kids around me at school and later by the Navy. “Don’t be a bitch! Beat your chest, man up, and get back out there.” Though I might rebel against the “masculine archetype” at times it became in grained into my psyche. Even now, I have a difficult time being around someone who is crying. I feel like Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights, “I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

In the years since I’ve had kids “Man Up” has taken on a new meaning and become a personal mantra. Now, when I think of the term it reminds me I need to be strong. Not just physical strength but I need to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong as well. I need to have Grit. It reminds me I have people counting on me and not to give up. It reminds me life is tough and the only way to get beyond those times is to push through them, one day at a time.

I don’t want to get out of bed today. “Man Up,” there are people around you who are counting on you. I’m nervous or afraid to do [insert scary thing here]. “Man Up,” because you’ll never know if you can do it until you try. Life is hard. Tough shit. “Man Up,” and get back out there.

When I lost my job a couple years back, the term “Man Up” helped me recover quickly to get back out there. I allowed myself a few days to be sad and upset but I couldn’t let it bring me down. I had a family to support.

Is there a wrong way to use this phrase? Sure and people still do it every day. I also think, when used properly, it can be a powerful tool in a man’s arsenal to be a better husband, father, and human being. Life is filled with tough times and failures. Life can down right suck. But, if you are willing to push through and persevere, the good times are right around the corner. This helps me remember, many times, the obstacle is the way.

Isn’t there a better way to get this point across? Probably but I haven’t found it yet. Until then I stick with what works.

P.S. In case you were wondering this is not something I tell my boys. This is a personal motto I keep for myself.

Find Your Justice League

Last night was rough for me because I didn’t get much sleep. My baby girl turned one month about a week ago and we are still trying to figure out a sleep schedule. Some nights she’s great and will sleep six or seven hours. Other nights she’ll sleep only a couple at a time but never truly fall asleep. Unfortunately, for me, last night was the latter.

Normally my wife and I go into our normal routine when she wakes up. It’s good and it works. Last night went sideways quickly and went downhill from there. To make a long story short, I slept like shit and I was bitter the entire night about it.

As I sat wake at various points in the night I tried to figure out why I was pissed. Was it because she wasn’t sleeping? Was it the lack of help from my wife? Was it being completely awake from about 2-4 am this morning? The answer I came up with was “Yes” but with a caveat. While I was pissed at all of these different situations I was really pissed at myself.

There were several points throughout the night where I could have asked for my wife’s help with the baby. I didn’t… I couldn’t. I chose bitter sacrifice over asking for help. I chose martyrdom.

The big question I ask myself this morning is why? Why didn’t I ask for help? Why do I have such a difficult time asking for help? This isn’t an isolated incident either. This is a routine pattern of behavior. And it’s not just me but, I find, men in general have a difficult time asking for help.

For me, I think it comes down to wanting to be a superhero. I want to be Superman. I want to be Batman. I want to go in it alone to prove to myself, and everyone around me, I don’t need them. I’m self-sufficient. No matter how hard it gets or how much I have to sacrifice, I’ve got it. Leave me alone.

Jerry Seinfeld has a joke about men wanting to be superheroes. He jokes, “These aren’t fantasies. These are options!” The first time I heard this joke I was in high school and thought it was hilarious. All I could think was who doesn’t want to be a superhero? I didn’t get the joke. I do now. The joke is men see ourselves as Liam Neeson. We have a particular set of skills and we would rather take on the world alone then need to count on anyone.

As I sit here typing I am able to see this line of thinking more clearly than I could early this morning. This is arrogance. This is my ego. I should have asked for help with the baby. Instead I wanted to take her all night to prove to my wife, and myself, I was the better parent. I wasn’t the better parent last night. I was the asshole who thought he was better than his wife. “I’ll show her who’s the better parent!” The funny part is I’m sure she woke up this morning not thinking anything about it. She might be thankful for the extra sleep but she’s not thinking, “wow, Joe is the better parent and he sure showed me!” Ego sure makes me fucking dumb.

The point I’m trying to make is as men we need to be better about asking for help. It doesn’t make us weak or vulnerable. It doesn’t make us less of a man. It makes us smart. It makes us come to terms with us limits. I think it makes us better men. We need to be better about leaning on our wives, our parents, our family, and our friends. We also need to recognize when those in our lives are struggling and find ways to help them out. We don’t have to go through this life alone. Hell, even Superman and Batman have the Justice League.

It’s time to learn my limits and get better at asking for help.

Fighting the Good Fight!

Today was a big day for me. After much hemming and hawing, and hitting the snooze button about a dozen times, I got up to workout. This is the first time I’ve gotten up in the morning to work out since I went on vacation in the beginning of August. Though I’ve worked out a few times since then, this was the first morning I was able to make it happen in 2 1/2 months.

“Congrats, Joe, but so what? What’s the big deal?” There are two main reasons I’m excited about this “milestone.” First, before I went on vacation I was working out 4 times a week in the mornings before work. I would get up around 5:30, roll downstairs to the garage, and throw some weights around. This was my routine for over 3 months, which is the most consecutive working out I’ve done since the military. Second, since vacation, a few of things happened which derailed my momentum, the biggest of which were having our water heater break and having a third child. When the water heater broke, forcing us out of our house, the darkness started to creep in and my daughter was born I was sent into survival mode. My routine was destroyed and I didn’t have the metal toughness or grit to get it back on track.

Last week, I read an article on the Nerd Fitness blog about habit forming. It basically states we try to change behavior incorrectly, which is why we continue to fail. We focus on outcomes, then processes, then how it affects our identity, instead of the other way around. The article talks about how we need to change the way we see ourselves if we want to ensure our habits will stick. Before vacation I was a guy who enjoyed weightlifting. I was a Warrior! Then I came back, stumbled, and, again, became the guy who was afraid of working out. The fear was back and I forgot my identity.

This morning I remembered. This morning, I grabbed the fear by the horns, after hitting the snooze button several times of course, and gave it a swift head-butt… in the head. This morning I decided I was in charge and wasn’t going to take his shit today. Today I fought the fear and I won!

Now I know today was a small victory and I only won the battle. I stared fear in the face and it blinked. This was today. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow could be something completely different. The fear might come back with a vengeance not wanting to give up its stronghold. Tomorrow the fear might win again. Tomorrow I might fail. The war is far from over and I’m ok with it. Change doesn’t happen all at once. It comes from showing up every day and fighting the good fight, children. So today I will bask in this victory and tomorrow I will show up to do it again.

I hope to see you there!

Fight the Resistance

Today is the day I fight back. Today is the day I take on the resistance. Today is the day I take control. I know I will stumble, I will fall, and I will fail but it will be ok. I will pick myself back up and start again.

What is the resistance? The resistance is the voice in your head saying you’re not good enough or smart enough to be anything. It is the voice telling you to hit the snooze button one more time or binge one more episode. It is the voice saying you can’t fail if you don’t even try. It’s the voice which wants you to be average, to be complacent, and to be like everyone else in your life.

I’ve been average my entire life. I’ve been the person who never lived up to “his potential!” I’ve the person who continuously chooses to coast instead of growing as a person. I read and I dreamed about a life I was too afraid to go after.

I was this person because I thought it easier to follow the leader instead of blazing my own trail. Trying to grow and be better is hard isn’t it? Who has the time? I have a wife and kids to think about now. I have a responsibility to them and going against the grain would jeopardize that, wouldn’t it?

What I came to realize is being average, and staying who I am, will do more damage to my family then trying to change. The longer I remain average, the more of me dies every single day. I must be the example to my kids. I must show them what it means to be extraordinary and they can be extraordinary as well. It starts with this post. It starts right now!

I am a badass! I will fight the resistance!