Category: Anxiety

The Positives of Being Negative

When you think about a pessimist, who do you envision? My typical pessimist looks like an emo kid sitting alone in the dark. They tend to focus on what could go wrong instead of what could possibly go right. They are the boo hooers, the naysayers, and the negative Nancys (or Nathans… Happy Mom?)

These doom and gloom people in your life can be exhausting but what if you could harness their powers for good? What if you could take this focus on the negative and use it to make your life better? Would you be interested?

“But, Joe, what kind of devil magic is this in which you speak?” you might ask in your best Yoda impression. “Surely, there’s no positive about being negative.” Well, you’re wrong… and don’t call me Shirley. The answer is a little something called fear setting.

The first time I heard the term Fear Setting it was while listening to the 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. This book is a manifesto about getting out of your own way to have the life you really want. This means figuring out what you want out of life and taking steps to get it. Though, at first read, it can feel like the slacker’s guide to becoming a millionaire, there is more to it. It’s about challenging societal norms and realizing just because it’s been done “the same way for years” doesn’t mean it’s the right way. For some reason, as human beings, we tend to make life harder on ourselves even when we want to make things better.

One of the exercises Tim prescribes in this book is called Fear Setting, which he got from the stoic philosopher Seneca the Younger. (I will talk more about Stoicism in another post because I find it extremely fascinating but this is all you’ll get here). Basically, this exercise has you visualizing on your worst case scenarios to find out if what’s holding you back is really as bad as it seems. If you lost your job tomorrow would it be the end of the world or would you recover? How about breaking up with your girl/boyfriend or getting a divorce or becoming paralyzed? Will your world end if these things happened to you or could you recover?

What this does is takes all of those scary thoughts you have bouncing around in your head and puts them out into the open. Out into the light of day. When you take the time to word vomit your problems, fears, and worst case scenarios onto “paper” you find they aren’t as scary as you thought they were. You find the worst case scenarios aren’t so worst case, there are things you can do to prevent your scenarios from happening, and finally you can plan on ways to recover from your personal apocalypse. It becomes less doom and gloom and becomes temporary pain and suffering. You’ve planned for this and now you know how to fix it. (To read the full chapter about fear setting from the 4 Hour Work Week click here. The exercise is at the end).

After you’ve put down on paper your worst case scenarios in vivid detail you can practice them. Once or twice a month, a quarter, or a year you try to approximate living in these scenarios to inoculate yourself when the real shit hits the fan. Afraid of losing your job and not having any money? Spend a week only eating rice and beans or sleeping your car and showering at work. Afraid of losing a hand or arm? Go a day or two with your off hand tied to your side. Afraid of getting a divorce and being all by yourself? Take a solo trip out of town for a few days to see how it feels.

The fears and practice scenarios are up to you and can be as creative as you want them. The important part is finding ways to take the fear setting one step further by applying a practical application to them. Now not only do you think you can live through these scenarios but you know because you’ve done it. Every time you feel the fear start to creep back in you give yourself another “injection.”

That’s what I’ve done here. I worried about what people would think about my writing for so long I knew I needed to take action. When I started the blog I felt good but it wasn’t enough since I was still afraid to have the world read it. Then I shared I started a blog, on Facebook. I learned it wasn’t as bad as I imagined and was something I needed to continue. Even if the feedback was mostly negative, it was still worth doing because I could easily recover by moving forward anyway or finding a new project.

My point here is many times thing feel horrible, debilitating, or even the end of the world but can be recovered from. Sometimes pessimism is practical. So what are you waiting for? It might just change or save your life!

The 3 Reasons I Write

When I originally decided I wanted to start a blog, some months ago, the idea was to be a repository of “wisdoms” I wanted to share with my kiddos. Things I learn throughout the years and wanted to let them know. This was to prevent me from shot-gunning advice to them all over the place. I have a tendency to be inconsistent at times and it can feel like I’ve put zero thought into what I’m saying or why I’m saying it. I worry they feel I rant because I’m a crazy person. The problem is I don’t always do a good job articulating why I say or do things which, I’m sure, feel unfair.

Instead of writing for the kiddos, I decided to write for me. I’m writing things down I want to remember. I also hope there’s the secondary benefit of helping you, and, eventually, my kids.

Those who know me know I’m a very anxious person. I worry about my life, my future, my wife, my kids, family, and my friends. I worry about how people think of my now and how they’ll think of me in the future. I fear being irrelevant and going my whole life with little to nothing to show for it. It’s something I’ve been dealing with all my life, often extremely poorly. I’ve let it become debilitating and hinder much of my personal growth over the last 36 years.

I’ve spent most of my life thinking about the future and what it held for me. Being a science fiction fanatic, I’ve always looked towards the future in anticipation and fear. I remember when I was 18, my parents asked me to write down where I thought I would be at the age of 25 and 35. Back then, I thought I was going to be a GLORIOUS day trader who had a million dollars in the bank by the age of 35. Well, I’m 36 now and I’m lucky if I have 2% of that million in the bank at this moment. Most days I just feel like a complete and utter failure. My saving grace is I’m not giving up and I’m continuing to fight, especially for my kids.

Over the last year, I embarked on a period of rediscovery. While most of it has been a colossal failure, I found writing, starting with the desire to journal. Many successful people say they journal every day, and wanting to be successful, I thought I’d try it. It was never a regular practice but I found I would write during periods of deep anxiety. Writing what’s on my mind seems to take the pressure off and it relaxes me. I found it cathartic.

When I was a kid, I thought writing was girly and dumb. Girls had dairies to write down their feels and hide them under their pillows. Boys didn’t need to write their feelings down, they just needed to swallow hard, and “Man Up.” Clearly, this line of thinking has been SUPER helpful for all these years (this is sarcasm). So now I write.

Since I’ve started writing I’ve learned three important things:

  1. Learning how to write effectively helps you to become a better communicator in your own right. You don’t have to be a “writer,” whether it’s a blogger, journalist, author, etc., but just need to a dude/dudette with a journal. Either way, you will need to communicate with others on a regular basis. The more you practice writing, the better you will be at getting your point across by organize your thoughts into a logically cohesive way. No matter who you are or what you do, being an effective communicator helps in all aspects of your life.
  2. Coming back to the catharsis of writing, I believe it helps with something called fear setting. Tim Ferriss has talked at length about fear setting and writing down your fears to make them more manageable. (I’ll talk more about this in another post). While I think his fear setting exercise is excellent, sometimes you just need to write down what you are thinking to get it out of your head. Your head is a nebulous place where fear, doubt, and anxiety enjoy living and need the darkness to grow. Writing shines a light on fear so it can no longer sustain itself. Taking away fear’s power will help make you a better, more balanced, less angry person.
  3. Writing helps create better ideas by developing your analytical side. If you’re anything like me ideas get into your head like a brain bug and infect you. They swirl around all day making it difficult to focus on anything. Maybe it’s a problem you are trying to solve or an idea for the next lifesaving widget. Much the fear setting, this exercise provides a safe place to problem solve and figure out next steps by looking back, ordering, and reordering thoughts until they make sense.

Can you do these things without a regular writing practice? Sure, you can. Is this the best way to work on these skills? Maybe not. What I do know is writing is the first thing I’ve found to work, and Lord knows I’ve been trying. Now I’m here writing every day to become a better communicator, build a defense against my anxiety, and become a better problem solver.

So, I encourage you to join me by starting to write now, today, and often.