What’s a Motto, You?

MAN UP! I don’t know about you but when I hear this phrase a particular scene comes to mind. It’s of the old, grimy, mook of a high school football coach yelling at one of the kids to stop being a pussy. It makes me feel like I’m watching Varsity Blues. (Yup… I just referenced Varsity Blues).

For many people, today, the term “Man Up” is a course word. It’s a way to turn sensitive boys into a group of cold-hearted, unthinking meatheads. These Neo-Neanderthals go on to fuel the patriarchy, devaluing women, and feminine traits. They take what they want and are only concerned with winning.

I agree with this assessment. When it is used incorrectly it pushes boys to be ruthless, uncaring men who think they are better than everyone else and run around calling “lesser men” pussies or bitches. When things are going their way, it’s because that’s the way it should happen. If things aren’t going their way, they dream about the good ol’ days and want to “make things great again!” If you are anything like me, these people can be frustrating.

Even though I was never truly this kind of person, I embraced it for much of my life. Let me explain.

I was kind of a weak kid growing up, both physically and mentally. I played sports and ran around outside with my friends but most of the time I felt like a fish out of water. My natural habitat was sitting watching TV or playing video games. I was also a big nerd. I liked fantasy, science fiction, dungeons and dragons, comic books, Magic the Gathering, and most of the other nerdy things I could do growing up.

I also cried… A LOT! If things didn’t go my way or if I was scared the sadness would creep into my heart. Sometimes I cried literal tears and others it the cries of sadness and frustration.

Then I found Home Improvement with Tim Allen. If you grew up in the 90s there’s a pretty good chance you’ve watched this show. Looking back there was an interesting contradiction to this show. On the surface, Home Improvement embodied the term “Man Up,” as I wrote about above. Men were men! They built stuff and wanted MORE POWER! Men didn’t cry or get sad. That was for women. Men got angry and raged. There was a subtler aspect of the show. It was about a “Man Up” Dad, trying to raise three boys, while growing and evolving into a softer, more balanced man.

Unfortunately, the subtler aspect of the show was lost on me as a kid and I gravitated towards the “men don’t cry” lesson. For years the idea of being sad, depressed, and crying were weaknesses I needed to overcome. This was reinforced by the kids around me at school and later by the Navy. “Don’t be a bitch! Beat your chest, man up, and get back out there.” Though I might rebel against the “masculine archetype” at times it became in grained into my psyche. Even now, I have a difficult time being around someone who is crying. I feel like Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights, “I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

In the years since I’ve had kids “Man Up” has taken on a new meaning and become a personal mantra. Now, when I think of the term it reminds me I need to be strong. Not just physical strength but I need to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong as well. I need to have Grit. It reminds me I have people counting on me and not to give up. It reminds me life is tough and the only way to get beyond those times is to push through them, one day at a time.

I don’t want to get out of bed today. “Man Up,” there are people around you who are counting on you. I’m nervous or afraid to do [insert scary thing here]. “Man Up,” because you’ll never know if you can do it until you try. Life is hard. Tough shit. “Man Up,” and get back out there.

When I lost my job a couple years back, the term “Man Up” helped me recover quickly to get back out there. I allowed myself a few days to be sad and upset but I couldn’t let it bring me down. I had a family to support.

Is there a wrong way to use this phrase? Sure and people still do it every day. I also think, when used properly, it can be a powerful tool in a man’s arsenal to be a better husband, father, and human being. Life is filled with tough times and failures. Life can down right suck. But, if you are willing to push through and persevere, the good times are right around the corner. This helps me remember, many times, the obstacle is the way.

Isn’t there a better way to get this point across? Probably but I haven’t found it yet. Until then I stick with what works.

P.S. In case you were wondering this is not something I tell my boys. This is a personal motto I keep for myself.