Last night was rough for me because I didn’t get much sleep. My baby girl turned one month about a week ago and we are still trying to figure out a sleep schedule. Some nights she’s great and will sleep six or seven hours. Other nights she’ll sleep only a couple at a time but never truly fall asleep. Unfortunately, for me, last night was the latter.
Normally my wife and I go into our normal routine when she wakes up. It’s good and it works. Last night went sideways quickly and went downhill from there. To make a long story short, I slept like shit and I was bitter the entire night about it.
As I sat wake at various points in the night I tried to figure out why I was pissed. Was it because she wasn’t sleeping? Was it the lack of help from my wife? Was it being completely awake from about 2-4 am this morning? The answer I came up with was “Yes” but with a caveat. While I was pissed at all of these different situations I was really pissed at myself.
There were several points throughout the night where I could have asked for my wife’s help with the baby. I didn’t… I couldn’t. I chose bitter sacrifice over asking for help. I chose martyrdom.
The big question I ask myself this morning is why? Why didn’t I ask for help? Why do I have such a difficult time asking for help? This isn’t an isolated incident either. This is a routine pattern of behavior. And it’s not just me but, I find, men in general have a difficult time asking for help.
For me, I think it comes down to wanting to be a superhero. I want to be Superman. I want to be Batman. I want to go in it alone to prove to myself, and everyone around me, I don’t need them. I’m self-sufficient. No matter how hard it gets or how much I have to sacrifice, I’ve got it. Leave me alone.
Jerry Seinfeld has a joke about men wanting to be superheroes. He jokes, “These aren’t fantasies. These are options!” The first time I heard this joke I was in high school and thought it was hilarious. All I could think was who doesn’t want to be a superhero? I didn’t get the joke. I do now. The joke is men see ourselves as Liam Neeson. We have a particular set of skills and we would rather take on the world alone then need to count on anyone.
As I sit here typing I am able to see this line of thinking more clearly than I could early this morning. This is arrogance. This is my ego. I should have asked for help with the baby. Instead I wanted to take her all night to prove to my wife, and myself, I was the better parent. I wasn’t the better parent last night. I was the asshole who thought he was better than his wife. “I’ll show her who’s the better parent!” The funny part is I’m sure she woke up this morning not thinking anything about it. She might be thankful for the extra sleep but she’s not thinking, “wow, Joe is the better parent and he sure showed me!” Ego sure makes me fucking dumb.
The point I’m trying to make is as men we need to be better about asking for help. It doesn’t make us weak or vulnerable. It doesn’t make us less of a man. It makes us smart. It makes us come to terms with us limits. I think it makes us better men. We need to be better about leaning on our wives, our parents, our family, and our friends. We also need to recognize when those in our lives are struggling and find ways to help them out. We don’t have to go through this life alone. Hell, even Superman and Batman have the Justice League.
It’s time to learn my limits and get better at asking for help.
